Why I Am Truly Scared Of Teabaggers

So, an interesting thought occurred to me a short while ago.  I think that you as my loyal Fanz should know about it as well.  But first, a disclaimer: I fucking love Firefly.  I do, and I also like just about anything done by Joss Whedon.  So, imagine my surprise when this video popped up. 

When I first saw it on The Maddow Blog a few months back, I clicked on it because I was intrigued to why Joss Whedon would support Romney.  I know now it's satire, but I didn't back then, that is until I watched the video. 

A few days ago I was thinking about that video and it got me thinking.  What other things are Conservatives for that can lead to terrible, bad, icky outcomes?  Then it hit me like an Exterminatus:


"Sup, fuckers?  Remember me from that post no one read?"

That's right: the Conservative Right supports the Alien Rape Apocalypse! 

"But, Holtzy, I saw Aliens.  It was about bad-ass Colonial Marines kicking alien ass and not even taking names, just wholesale ass-whoopage."

First of all, fictitious reader, who, actually increases my audience by 33%, Aliens was the ass-bustingly awesome sequel to Alien. 

So, quick recap: Space-faring salvage crew of the Nostromo comes across a derelict vessel.  Inside they find weird eggs.  One of the crew members gets face-raped by a vagina with legs. 

Remember this image next time you have sex.

A while later, a penis-monster busts through the pregnant guy's chest (incidentally, the black crew member doesn't die first, a landmark in cinema history).  Said penis-monster grows into an alien, who while vicious has a dong-shaped head.  Then the wiener-head goes on a rampage that ends with 1979 Sigouney Weaver fucking its life up by shooting it into space.  So, there ya' go.  You're all up to speed now. 

Now, I know you think I made up all of that imagery with the dicks and such.  I'm just working with what they gave me.  According to Dan O'Bannon, screenwriter of Alien and alleged hater of nookie, he wrote his rape script after Dark Star tanked and went tits-up.  Cracked already did an article on the imagery. 

Still with me?  Good.  We're not out of the rape-woods yet. 

Remember back in November when that little election thing happened?



"...Then I'll poke you in the eye."
"Mr. President, Your response?"
"I will pimp-slap you, Mr. Romney."

Remember when they were talking about "personhood" and "reproductive rights"?  Remember when Richard Mourdock, Todd Akin and other fool said that women need to take a pregancy to term?  Even in cases of rape? 


Oh...my...God...

Do you see where this is going?  Teabaggers are secretly, Alien sympathizers.  The Alien Queen must've used her telepathic abilities on the Right to soften America up for the Alien invasion.  This revelation is earth-shattering.  Please spread this warning to all your friends and loved ones. 

As with all my posts, let me know what you think in the comments below, love it or hate it.  Also, tell your friends about my blog too.

Using Stuff I Learned in College (Heaven is on Mars)

Whew!  So I know it's been a good country minute since I've been on here.  I also know you Fanz of the Lulziez are chomping at the bit for a new blog post from me.  I aim to misbehave please.  Due to a few things like work, meetings, and a myriad of other things I've been unable to post, but I've back and let's kick this off!

Yeah, I put off a blog post to finish this game.  Spoiler: Not worth it

So, without further ado: Heaven is on Mars. 

We're going to use some logic statements to help prove my hypothesis.  You know, the whole "If A and B then C" thing.  We'll take each of them one at a time and then summarize them at the end.  It's almost like I'm a real debater.  One might say...a Master Debater.

First, though, some information I need to let you guys know about.  Starkids is a theatre group from the University of Michigan.  They have done such live-action plays as A Very Potter Musical, A Very Potter Sequel and Me & My Dick.  So, ya' know, a classy bunch.  Here's their website.  They're awesome and I suggest you visit their youtube channel and watch their plays. 


A random blog is pimping our stuff!  Tallyhawk...I mean Rumbleroar!

 So, enough free advertising.  In one of their plays, Draco Malfoy (played by Lauren Lopez) mocks Harry by saying that he's going to transfer to Pigfarts, a better Wizarding Institute than Hogwarts that's on Mars. 



Lauren Lopez as Draco Malfoy

 Draco then goes on to talk about the professors at Pigfarts.  There's Professor McGonagill (a fish) and Headmaster Rumbleroar ("He's a lion...who can talk").

This was Rumbleroar's 2nd grade photo.

So the givens: Pigfarts is on Mars and Headmaster Rumbleroar is a lion...who can talk.

Next, Narnia is ruled  by Aslan.  Aslan, for those people who haven't seen the films or the millions of parodies out there (all 8 of you), is a lion...who can talk.

So, If Rumbleroar is a talking lion and Aslan is a talking lion then Aslan is Rumbleroar. 

Also, If Narnia is Heaven and it's ruled by Rumbleroar then Narnia is on Mars.

And, If Narnia is on Mars and Pigfarts is on Mars then we all get to be wizards in Heaven.

So, in summary, Heaven is on Mars.  But I'm not quite done yet.

Corollary: You can get to Heaven by climbing inside of a closet. 

Second Corollary: If Heaven is on Mars and Rumbleroar rules Heaven then Rumbleroar is God.


"Gaze upon my adorableness."

As always, if you liked this, let me know and tell your friends.  If you didn't like it, let me know (constructive criticism please) and tell your friends who might like this.