Monday, October 24, 2011

Aliens vs. Aliens

     Ok, so this is the third times I've started this post and I have resolved to finish it this time.  Unfortunately, real life has gotten in the way of me finishing this. 

Pictured above: Real Life

     We'll do a side by side comparison since we only have two combatants.  There will probably some conjecture in some areas because some areas aren't covered in their respective canons.

Who: Aliens (from Aliens franchise) vs. Aliens (from Chicken Little)
     The aliens from Aliens are intersteller parasites with a hive mind and an instinctual urge to propagate.  By impregnating hosts with Facehuggers, they merge their DNA with ours and create hybridized aliens phenotypes: Warrior, Runner, PredAlien, etc. 


"What's your sign?  Forget it.  Can I just impregnate you?"

     The aliens from Chicken Little are like your family on a road trip to Mosquito Lake or whatever, but apparently they have mastered interstellar travel, but the production and harvesting of acorns escapes them.  When one of their young aliens is left behind, they commence to being pants-shittingly terrifying until he is returned to them, and then they still want to raze the planet (the only one with acorns on it apparently) after he is returned until the lost alien tells them that he was saved by some Pixar Earthlings. 

He's sickeningly cute.

Physiology:  
     The Aliens' physiology depends on what creature they impregnate, but they are all horrifying.  Acid blood, a mouth inside a mouth, wicked claws, a spear-like tail.  They possess an insect-like low cunning and also have reasoning skills that sometimes are based on trial and error.  At no time are these aliens not scary.
     The fuzzballs have 3 eyes and 3 legs.  Their bodies are composed of fur and apparently nothing else.  They have a mouth and can talk and apparently at least bilingual.  Their mobility seems to pale in comparison the the Aliens' ability to walk climb like Spider-Man.  Oh, yeah, they can spin their eyes in like a circle.  Kinda like a roving mauler, I guess. 

Technology:
     The Aliens have no technology at all.  They are kind of like that creeper drifter you picked up on your way to Ft. Launderdale.  They just go where the guys who picked them up are going. 
     The fuzzball aliens have walkers that look like mech versions of themselves or more accurately, Pixar versions of the walkers from War of the Worlds.  But, unlike the walkers from War of the Worlds, these walkers can turn the tips of the legs into blades and FLY with them. 

     You know what?  This comparison is really over.  The aliens from Chicken Little win.  They have FLYING BUZZSAWS!  By the time the acid eats through the buzzsaws, they have committed genocide of the highest magnitude.  I can only assume they have perfected laser technology too and will call in orbital strikes when they realize that they are mixing it up with those drooly aliens.


"Aaawwww Yeeeah!  Fuck those guys!"

     The aliens from Aliens main ability is to turn your own guys against you by turning them into Warriors.  If the aliens impregnate a fuzzball they get an hybrid that looks like the bad gremlins in Gremlins.  Put on your frogstompers and it's history. 


Still scary I guess.  Hard to be scared of something a brick can take care of though.

Winner:  Aliens from Chicken Little

As always, let me know if you liked or hated this post and let me know if you have any ideas for any other posts you'd like to see.