Monster Round-Up Part 2

     I did a Monster Round-Up a while back where I did a side by side comparison between vampires. werewolves and zombies.  A poster suggested another round-up between ghosts, evil leprechauns and squirrels.  Well, squirrels are evil enough to warrant their own article, so I am going to be subbing in aliens for squirrels.  Here we go with round 2 [ding-ding]

Who: Ghosts
     Ghosts, restless spirits, poltergeists, whatever you want to call them, they are essentially the same thing: transparent people who are tethered to the material world.

"Boo!"

Pros:  Super spooky powers and having a cool reverb on your voice when you talk.  As a ghost you are invincible against mundane attacks like guns, knives, ball bats and artillery fire (which might be the reason WHY you're a ghost in the first place).  You can also walk through walls and pretty much any other solid matter. 

     Also, after you die, you apparently get your choice of what you look like when you come back to haunt our world.  This is consistent with the research I did for this article.  This means that if you die, you can come back as a ghost pirate, or a pirate ghost if you died as a pirate and chose to keep your original form. 

Pictured Above: Research

     You would also get a house to yourself because there are only a few people who want to live in a haunted house.  Most of those people go around in a van and solve other mysteries who are all apparently perpetrated by Farmer Jenkins.  Which means if they come to the house you're haunting, chances are you're Farmer Jenkins in a mask. 

     My research differs here, but you may or may not be able to communicate with the living as a ghost. 

Cons:  Unless you're a poltergeist, you're not going to be able to interact with our world either.  And apparently all poltergeists are illiterate and mute, because they always stack stuff up and never think to pick up a pencil and write on a pad of paper what they want.  And it's not like people don't ask what ghosts want, they do it when they first start being haunted.  So either you're an illiterate mute or only huge cockbags get brought back as poltergeists so they can continue their douchebaggery. 



Most Poltergeists

Final Rating:  Ghost are pretty lame among the spectrum of monsters.  With the exception of poltergeists, they can't even interact with our plane.  This is a pretty terrible life-after-death.  Zombies didn't have it this bad.  *, that's it.

Who:  Evil Leprechauns.  God damn it, Azuleslight, really?  I have to delve into this?  Can we not do this?  Evil leprechauns are like regular leprechauns, except they are sociopaths.  They are rascist boozers who delight in getting in fights with people and yelling death threats at people.  Are these evil leprechauns or the ENTIRE POPULATION OF IRELAND? 

     Leprechauns are fae folk who guard treasure and make/repair shoes. 



You didn't want to sleep tonight anyway

Pros:  You have magic, so that's kinda cool.  What kind of magic, I'm not sure.  The movies are a confusing orgy of inconsistantcies.  The only constant is Warwick Davis, who is awesome, but not awesome enough to salvage the sequels to the first Leprechaun.



"Hey, sorry for making Leprechaun 4, but my rent was due."

     That aside, you can teleport like the Chesire Cat and have an intricate knowledge of shoe repair, kinda like if Criss Angel took a home course in shoe repair.  Oh, one thing I forgot, leprechauns are rich!  Not like, "Hey I picked up an extra shift at Winn-Dixie," more like, "I have a pot of gold.  That's right, a pot of GOLD!"

     According to websites written and managed by leprechaunologists, they also like dancing and will abduct humans and enchant them so them will dance their toes off.  You read that right: dance...their...toes...off.  I know you don't believe me because if I wasn't me, I wouldn't believe me, but here's the article.  So, I guess if you dig on line dancing, this would be right up your alley. 

     Leprechauns can also grant three wishes if ever caught by a human,  So it's more like if the Chesire Cat and Houdini had a drunken love child and then that kid had sex with a genie and then got a trust fund from all three of those guys.  Actually, that's pretty horrifying.

Cons:  Like most fae folk in mythology, leprechauns can be killed by iron.  In fact, touching iron robs them of their power while they are in contact with it.  Other weaknesses are difficult to discern because the mythology is so inconsistant.  In the movies, weaknesses range from a four-leaf clover (appropriate) to cold iron (still appropriate) to a medallion (stupid) and being exploded in space (retarded).  After that I stopped watching the movies.

     Also, if a leprechaun ever parts with his gold, he will go all Joker on everyone until he gets it back.  Imagine that: a friend borrows your pencil and accidentally takes it home with him.  You then proceed to flip the fuck out and set your neighbor's car on fire and murder people on your way to your friend's house.  When you get there, you yell, "Give me back me pencil!"  Then you blow up his house and the houses of his family members until he gives your pencil back.  Not good for friendships.

     Also, they have to dance if they hear music.  Kinda stupid

Final Rating:  Okay, leprechauns are not nearly as lame as ghosts, but if you put on your frogstompers, you could squish one if you just hook up an ipod to speakers.  Or, you could throw one into a dance club and laugh as he tries to dodge the drugged out kids dancing around like a zombie on acid.  Actually that would be funny and I laughed in real life imagining that.  I give the leprechaun *** 1/2*. 



"Either turn off yer ipod or kill me!  I hate Lady Gaga!"

Who: Aliens.  Now we're talkin'!  Aliens are metal as metal.  Shit doesn't get more hardcore than these guys...kinda.  It depends on what aliens we're talking about.  Even if E.T. had brass knuckles that shot fireballs as he punched, I doubt he would be much of a threat.  The alien from The Thing was hardcore and so were the alien warriors in the Alien franchise.  The alien genre is so expansive that we have to narrow it down somehow. 

     And here's how we're going to decide: you (the readers) leave a comment below and the two aliens with the most votes will be analyzed.  Kinda like if Deadliest Warrior did sci-fi villains.  So, in the comments leave no more than three aliens that you want to see throw down in order of your preference.  Also, you can't say Alien Warrior, Alien Queen and Predalien.  Those are all Alien franchise aliens.  So, get to postin' and I look forward to seeing who the winners will be. 

As always, if you like what you see, hate what you see or have an idea for a post, leave it in the comments below.