Monster Round-Up Part 2

     I did a Monster Round-Up a while back where I did a side by side comparison between vampires. werewolves and zombies.  A poster suggested another round-up between ghosts, evil leprechauns and squirrels.  Well, squirrels are evil enough to warrant their own article, so I am going to be subbing in aliens for squirrels.  Here we go with round 2 [ding-ding]

Who: Ghosts
     Ghosts, restless spirits, poltergeists, whatever you want to call them, they are essentially the same thing: transparent people who are tethered to the material world.

"Boo!"

Pros:  Super spooky powers and having a cool reverb on your voice when you talk.  As a ghost you are invincible against mundane attacks like guns, knives, ball bats and artillery fire (which might be the reason WHY you're a ghost in the first place).  You can also walk through walls and pretty much any other solid matter. 

     Also, after you die, you apparently get your choice of what you look like when you come back to haunt our world.  This is consistent with the research I did for this article.  This means that if you die, you can come back as a ghost pirate, or a pirate ghost if you died as a pirate and chose to keep your original form. 

Pictured Above: Research

     You would also get a house to yourself because there are only a few people who want to live in a haunted house.  Most of those people go around in a van and solve other mysteries who are all apparently perpetrated by Farmer Jenkins.  Which means if they come to the house you're haunting, chances are you're Farmer Jenkins in a mask. 

     My research differs here, but you may or may not be able to communicate with the living as a ghost. 

Cons:  Unless you're a poltergeist, you're not going to be able to interact with our world either.  And apparently all poltergeists are illiterate and mute, because they always stack stuff up and never think to pick up a pencil and write on a pad of paper what they want.  And it's not like people don't ask what ghosts want, they do it when they first start being haunted.  So either you're an illiterate mute or only huge cockbags get brought back as poltergeists so they can continue their douchebaggery. 



Most Poltergeists

Final Rating:  Ghost are pretty lame among the spectrum of monsters.  With the exception of poltergeists, they can't even interact with our plane.  This is a pretty terrible life-after-death.  Zombies didn't have it this bad.  *, that's it.

Who:  Evil Leprechauns.  God damn it, Azuleslight, really?  I have to delve into this?  Can we not do this?  Evil leprechauns are like regular leprechauns, except they are sociopaths.  They are rascist boozers who delight in getting in fights with people and yelling death threats at people.  Are these evil leprechauns or the ENTIRE POPULATION OF IRELAND? 

     Leprechauns are fae folk who guard treasure and make/repair shoes. 



You didn't want to sleep tonight anyway

Pros:  You have magic, so that's kinda cool.  What kind of magic, I'm not sure.  The movies are a confusing orgy of inconsistantcies.  The only constant is Warwick Davis, who is awesome, but not awesome enough to salvage the sequels to the first Leprechaun.



"Hey, sorry for making Leprechaun 4, but my rent was due."

     That aside, you can teleport like the Chesire Cat and have an intricate knowledge of shoe repair, kinda like if Criss Angel took a home course in shoe repair.  Oh, one thing I forgot, leprechauns are rich!  Not like, "Hey I picked up an extra shift at Winn-Dixie," more like, "I have a pot of gold.  That's right, a pot of GOLD!"

     According to websites written and managed by leprechaunologists, they also like dancing and will abduct humans and enchant them so them will dance their toes off.  You read that right: dance...their...toes...off.  I know you don't believe me because if I wasn't me, I wouldn't believe me, but here's the article.  So, I guess if you dig on line dancing, this would be right up your alley. 

     Leprechauns can also grant three wishes if ever caught by a human,  So it's more like if the Chesire Cat and Houdini had a drunken love child and then that kid had sex with a genie and then got a trust fund from all three of those guys.  Actually, that's pretty horrifying.

Cons:  Like most fae folk in mythology, leprechauns can be killed by iron.  In fact, touching iron robs them of their power while they are in contact with it.  Other weaknesses are difficult to discern because the mythology is so inconsistant.  In the movies, weaknesses range from a four-leaf clover (appropriate) to cold iron (still appropriate) to a medallion (stupid) and being exploded in space (retarded).  After that I stopped watching the movies.

     Also, if a leprechaun ever parts with his gold, he will go all Joker on everyone until he gets it back.  Imagine that: a friend borrows your pencil and accidentally takes it home with him.  You then proceed to flip the fuck out and set your neighbor's car on fire and murder people on your way to your friend's house.  When you get there, you yell, "Give me back me pencil!"  Then you blow up his house and the houses of his family members until he gives your pencil back.  Not good for friendships.

     Also, they have to dance if they hear music.  Kinda stupid

Final Rating:  Okay, leprechauns are not nearly as lame as ghosts, but if you put on your frogstompers, you could squish one if you just hook up an ipod to speakers.  Or, you could throw one into a dance club and laugh as he tries to dodge the drugged out kids dancing around like a zombie on acid.  Actually that would be funny and I laughed in real life imagining that.  I give the leprechaun *** 1/2*. 



"Either turn off yer ipod or kill me!  I hate Lady Gaga!"

Who: Aliens.  Now we're talkin'!  Aliens are metal as metal.  Shit doesn't get more hardcore than these guys...kinda.  It depends on what aliens we're talking about.  Even if E.T. had brass knuckles that shot fireballs as he punched, I doubt he would be much of a threat.  The alien from The Thing was hardcore and so were the alien warriors in the Alien franchise.  The alien genre is so expansive that we have to narrow it down somehow. 

     And here's how we're going to decide: you (the readers) leave a comment below and the two aliens with the most votes will be analyzed.  Kinda like if Deadliest Warrior did sci-fi villains.  So, in the comments leave no more than three aliens that you want to see throw down in order of your preference.  Also, you can't say Alien Warrior, Alien Queen and Predalien.  Those are all Alien franchise aliens.  So, get to postin' and I look forward to seeing who the winners will be. 

As always, if you like what you see, hate what you see or have an idea for a post, leave it in the comments below.

Monsters

Originally this was going to be a post entirely on zombies, but then I got to thinking, "How many people have done posts on zombies?"  The answer is a lot.  What I haven't seen is a comparison.  A side-by-side rating of monsters.  Now I'm a horror movie fan, so I probably know more monsters than you, but I will stick to the 3 most popular (vampires, werewolves and zombies) and then rate them...in my opinion.  Without further ado...

Who: Vampire

     Okay, seriously.  If you don't know what a vampire is you may have stumbled onto this article by mistake.  Well, for those 3 people who don't know what a vampire is, here is a visual approximation.

 

 

Left: Vampire.  Right: Whiny Emo

     Vampires are predators of the night.  We're talking about Dracula, Nosferatu, Deacon Frost, and Leslie Nielson in Dracula: Dead and Loving it (more accurate portrayal of vampires than Twilight).  Through mysterious means by a curse or a virus or whatever, they are cursed to prey upon people and drink their blood to prolong their own existance.

Pros: Super speed, super strength, turning into a bat/wolf/mist/demon monster, hypnosis and flight are all things that one incarnation of vampires demonstrated at one time or another.  And do you know what?  Everything on that list is freakin' awesome.  Remember the vampires in The Lost Boys?  They were bad-ass. 

Kiefer Sutherland in 1987 as David

Those guys partied all night and slept all day.  So, it's kinda like your college years, except drinking blood instead of watered down Miller Lite and if the football team messed with you, you could just punch a hole through each of their chests, unless they were all vampires too, in which case you take the swirly they gave you. 

Cons: If you're reading this, odds are you are kinda like a vampire in that you hate the sun and stay up late.  You may be a morning person (for whatever reason), or you may not, but regardless, say goodbye too the sun.  With the exception of some cultural vampires from around the world and certain bastardizations of the vampire mythos (Twilight), vampires are turned to ash when they are caught in the sun.  It can even be a weak sun on a cloudy day, one ray of that sun and your ass is ash.  According to the Blade canon, it's not just the sun, it's all ultraviolet light.  Try going to a rave or into your stoner brother's room as a vampire and say goodbye to your most of you as you get burned alive. 

     Also, in certain mythos, a vampire is only as strong as the amount of blood he has in his body.  A hungry vampire could be taken out by a 4-year old with a wiffleball bat, given time. 

     Then there's also the problem of becoming a jaded asshole like in Vampire Hunter D.  Suddenly this whole vampire gig is not as cool as it seems.

Final Rating:

     Despite all of the downsides, being a vampire is still pretty metal, so ****.

Who: Werewolves

     Werewolves are, depending on the source, people that change into wolves during a full moon, people who are essentially shapeshifters, but limited to lupine shapes, or defenders of the Wyld (that is the proper spelling) who can become 9-foot tall engines of supernatural rage and blood enemies against vampires. 

                      

                                                              Pictured Above: Metal as fuck

Pros:

     Werewolves are renowned for their Wolverine-like healing abilities.  With the exception of silver and fire, werewolves can shrug of or regenerate almost any damage.  So, unless you're juggling silver chainsaws that are on fire, there's very little chance of you getting seriously hurt.

     Wolves are pack animals so to extrapolate that and put it into the framework of werewolves, someone has always got your back, and in most cases 4 or 5 someones. 

     This is where the werewolf mythology gets murky, but I'm going to go with the Werewolf: The Apocalypse interpretation and say that you're in control of your transformation into a hulking abatoir on legs.  Let's say, for the sake of argument, that some douche takes your parking spot that you've sat patiently waiting for for 15 minutes.  As a human you might yell and scream and honk your horn.  As a werewolf, you can 'roid out and throw him to the other side of the parking lot and then pummel the crap out of his BMW. 

Cons:

     Going to more traditional mythology, say some jerk cuts you off in traffic.  If you're like every other American who drives, you're going to 'roid out right there and probably destroy your car.  As a small consolation, you'll probably hunter that guy down and all sorts of murder his face.  But your car is ruined.  Now take that scenario and say you were driving on the highway.  Suddenly gives you a greater impetus to keep your cool.  I worked in a tech support call center where I would rage out on a daily basis.  I would have been fired after I ripped the 3 people around me apartthe first time.

     I also don't know where your clothes go when you go all werewolf, but I'm guessing it's like the Hulk where you're buying khakis in bulk and friends stop letting you borrow their hoodie for the weekend. 

     Unless you're reeeeeeally good at it, you will flip the kill-o-matic switch to "on" in public at least a few times.  This will prompt your city to either hire Douchey McGoon as a werewolf hunter armed with silver bullets that burst into fireballs when they hit you to follow you around in a chopper all day, or you will be required by law to have a handler like the elderly and high functioning autistics. 

     Also, just because you shrug off the damage doesn't mean you don't feel it.  You may shrug off a shotgun blast to the stomach, but you sure as shit felt it. 

Final Rating:

     So, werewolves are technically mortal which makes them both less and more cool than vampires.  But what I can't get over is how you destroy your clothes everytime you go wolf, unless you run around naked all the time, which come to think of it, would be pretty fun.  Okay, so despite all of the cons against them, werewolves are still pretty hardcore, ***&1/2*.

Who: Zombies

       The walking dead, the undead, ghouls, whatever you want to call them, you know what they are.  For reasons not adequately explained, the recently dead reanimate to eat the brains of the living. 



"Mmmm.  Gatorade's new 'Brains flavored G2' really hits the spot and gives me the edge I need."

Pros: I don't think anyone really wants to be a zombie, so I will discuss the advantages that zombies have over humans.  Zombies possess 2 things that make them superior to humans: resilience and determination.

     To say that zombies are resilient is something of an understatment.  Zombies can take an incredible amount of punishment and keep on going.  You blast them with a shotgun and them may stagger back and now sport a brand new exposed intestinal tract, but they are not destroyed.  Similarly, if you lop of their legs with a chainsaw, they're still a threat, unless you put on your frogstompers and go American History X on all of the zombies. 

     Say what you will, but zombies know how to set a goal and work towards it.  In short, zombies have 1920s style gumption.  Corporate America could learn a thing or 2 from a zombie's determination (I of course mean the lower level workers, not the CEO assholes with their palaces and sexy servants on call).  If I come at you and you push me away, eventaully I'll get bored and go home and play Castlevania.  If you push a zombie away 100 times, he will come at you 101 times. 

     Also zombies don't have to breathe or eat or use the bathroom.  This means that a zombie could win that game we all played as a kid at the pool known as "who can hold their breath long enough to acquire permanent brain damage".  It also means that while you're dropping a dook, the zombies are amassing outside the gas station.

Cons:

     In order to be a zombie you have to die first.  You could also get infected with the virus that causes zombie-ism, but that causes you to die, so, yeah.  That's kind of a deal-breaker in my book. 

     Also, according to Romero-ian mythology, zombies move slower than an arthritic quadriplegic.  That means even my sister's obese cat could outrun zombies. 

     To be a zombie you also have to give up personal hygiene, but you're dead, so you don't care.  As a newly turned zombie, you might not stink that bad yet, barely a hint of death.  As you age though, you will start to smell like your farts after eating 15 White Castle sliders; so in other words, terrible.

     Do you know why you stink like a pair of Kobe Bryant's shoes if he used Indian food as socks?  Your body's decaying, bro (sis).  Your immune system used to keep those microbial squatters at bay, but now that you're dead, your body is like a soup kitchen for homeless composters.  That bacteria is eating your ex-body as you shamble around.  If you were a smart zombie you'd move to Arizona or someplace dry to slow your decaying ass, but odds are, you'll wind up someplace near the coast where the ocean weather will rot you faster than a tooth dipped in Coca-Cola syrup. 

Final Rating:

     Zombie movies are pretty metal and one would think that translates to zombies being pretty metal, but when you look at all of the disadvantages piled up against him, a 7-year old who has access to a jungle gym can stave off a horde of zombies as long as he packed enough gummi bears.  Fighting against zombies is way more awesome than being one.  I give him **&1/2* (the extra 1/2 is for his gumption).

If you liked this and want to see more monsters analyzed and rated, write which ones in the comments below.  If you have an idea for a post that you'd like to see written, put that in the comments below too.

Pirates Are Cooler Than Ninjas

A lot of people are going to filibuster about how ninjas are better than pirates, but they are all sorts of wrong.  It is a well known fact that pirates are superior to ninjas in every area of competition. 

First, pirates have wenchs.  Sorry, ninjas.  Pirates have wenchs and wenchs are awesome. 

Second, have you ever heard of an "Sky Ninja"?  Thats beause they do not exist.  However, Sky Pirates do exist and they are categorically awesome. 

                                                                                

Left: Sky Pirate.  Right: Sky Ninja (does not exist)

Sky Pirates also have airships, and not the stupid zeppelin kind, super-cool kinds that are baller. 

Above: Sky Pirate Airships

If he could have, Teddy Roosevelt would have been a pirate.  I can practically hear you asking for proof.  Well, here it is: Teddy Roosevelt is awesome and by definition, he would have been a pirate...for Liberty.

"Ninjas are better?  Bah-hahaha!"

And finally, the nail-in-the-coffin argument that pirates are better: There is a genre of music called Pirate Metal.  Check out this link to video by Alestorm and try to admit that it didn't blow your balls all over the ceiling.  http://youtu.be/ggyC0FOzqHM

You can't, can you?  That's because Pirate Metal is amazing!

That is three stone-solid reasons that pirates are cooler than ninjas.

This is Quite Possibly the Best Blog Evar Written, Evar

Okay, so I finally created a blog on here.  This will be a repository for all things funny.  I have a web comic in the early stages of development and a bunch of ideas for posts.  This is just a teaseer trailer letting you guys know I am now dialed in and starting to write down the stuff that I normally prattle on about incessantly that I feel most people will find funny.