Fantasy Fight Club and a (Potential) Contest

     So, a few days ago my MP3 player died at work. 


More true than I'd like to admit


     Okay, so that's important enough to warrant a blog post.  What does is the outgrowth of what I did to stave off the eventual meltdown.  I started talking to myself in the voice of the Deadliest Warrior narrator and pairing up characters from video games, war games, comic books, novels and the like.  The first such match-up was Sephiroth vs. Coleman Stryker. 

     I didn't delve into the match-ups at all, but I did formulate an idea that might generate some interest.  So here it goes: Chosen by you guys (the audience), two combatants will face off in cyberspace (my blog).  I will do my best to remain objective and I will promise to do research to compare the two fighters to the best of my ability.  Also, if there are multiple incarnations of the character, I will need to know which one you are referring to (there are a bazillion versions of Dracula for instance). 

     Now, to the contest part.  If there is enough interest and traffic and comments below, I will draw a picture of the winner beating the loser or something.  Now I'm not an artist, but I like drawing.  Then, through some means I have yet to devise, I will choose a winner and mail you a print of the picture I draw. 



Likely method of choosing a winner

      Sound good?  Then get into that comment box and give me some ideas/feedback/thoughts.  Also, if you're interested, let your friends know about this Fantasy Fight Club.  As always, let me know what you think in the comments below.

The Ballad of Forklift Katie

     For those of you who don't know (or care), I work in a mail processing warehouse.  It is a horrid job, but leaves you mentally unengaged, which to people with a blog in need of a post, can be an unexpected benefit.  For people who have never worked in an unskilled labor job (assholes), there are a lot of chances to die by smooshing (think Giles Corey).  Usually this is courtesy of mission handling equipment drivers.  Rarely is it intentional.  Deaf Steve, Sherman, Navy Rhim and Snazzy Hat Guy are all drivers who adhere to the safety precautions set forth by OSHA and the plant manager.  There is one legendary forklift driver who won't even trouble herself with the petty safety restrictions of mortals: Forklift Katie.


"Better luck next time, cockbag."

      Allow me to introduce Forklift Katie in the following way: she is clinically deranged.  She exists in a whole different dimension of batshit lunacy than ours.  On occassion, this dimension will overlay ours and create disturbing and baffling interactions. 

This is the craziest picture I own, and it is still saner than Forklift Katie

     That said, Forklift Katie performs a serious role for the United States Post Office.  She is the post office's homely grim reaper. 

     She zooms around the warehouse on her cthonic forklift which, unlike other forklifts in the warehouse are powered by electricity, is powered by some eldritch sorcery.  The backup alarm is the tortured screams of a thousand rapists and child molestors who are begging for the sweet alternative of hell which seems like paradise to them after serving Forklift Katie.  The warning light is the soul af a kitten being lit on fire.  The tines were built out of the femurs of liars and the tires are covered in the skin of adulterers.  The lugnuts are the testicles of those guys on To Catch A Predator and people who cheer for the New England Patriots.  The levers are the spines of hookers and the pedals are the shells of pet turtles.  The only positive trait is that the engine, which sounds like a million unbaptized babies being doused in tabasco sauce, alerts you that it is approaching with its demonic pilot, who is probably carrying a crate of mail going to Fort Wayne. 

Pictured above: The only frame of reference available

    Her impatience is the stuff of legends, but not the good kind like Michael Jordan and Godzilla, more like New Coke and Atari 5600.  Whatever you do, do not, I repeat, DO NOT allow her to engage you in conversation!  It's not that her voice sounds like a mastodon raping pikachu, it is that her thought process is so alien that she might as well be imprisoned in R'lyeh.  Her reasoning is as bizarre as why daleks have a plunger in their arsenal.

I know the internet has a picture of what I described, but I refuse to type that phrase into Google



Pictured above: Forklift Katie's thought process

     This concludes my Ballad of Forklift Katie.  Let me know what you guys think in the comments below.  If you liked this, share it.  Actually, even if you hated it share it, one of your friends might like it.

Rough Rider

     So, guys, I know I've been silent for a long time.  The fact is, I don't get paid to write this blog so I have to do it when time permits, and it hasn't recently. 
     With that unpleasantness out of the way, I have a huge announcement: The web comic that I have had in the works since I started this blog is going to happen. 
     Quick recap: Teddy Roosevelt holds Death hostage and demands it take him to heaven where he is given power armor and an assault rifle so he can go into hell and re-kill bad guys.  It ends with an epic showdown that I won't spoil, but it segues into a second season.  I have character concepts figured out for most of the characters. 
     Think of it like Marvel Ultimate Team-Ups where Spider-Man was a central main character and every issue he had a new partner.  It's kinda like that, but Teddy Roosevelt will be the constant and each other character will have a story arc and after that a new partner will come in.

Early Praise for Rough Rider

"Are you high?" -Chris Holtz (Brother)

"You're going to fuck up a lot for people." -J.R. (Co-worker)

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" -Spring Cruz (Former Co-worker)

"That sounds interesting." -Customer I told when I was working cash register at Barnes & Noble

"Awesome, but why are down-playing what really happened?" -Teddy Roosevelt (Presumably)

     Let me know what you guys think in the comments below.