Why I Am Truly Scared Of Teabaggers

So, an interesting thought occurred to me a short while ago.  I think that you as my loyal Fanz should know about it as well.  But first, a disclaimer: I fucking love Firefly.  I do, and I also like just about anything done by Joss Whedon.  So, imagine my surprise when this video popped up. 

When I first saw it on The Maddow Blog a few months back, I clicked on it because I was intrigued to why Joss Whedon would support Romney.  I know now it's satire, but I didn't back then, that is until I watched the video. 

A few days ago I was thinking about that video and it got me thinking.  What other things are Conservatives for that can lead to terrible, bad, icky outcomes?  Then it hit me like an Exterminatus:


"Sup, fuckers?  Remember me from that post no one read?"

That's right: the Conservative Right supports the Alien Rape Apocalypse! 

"But, Holtzy, I saw Aliens.  It was about bad-ass Colonial Marines kicking alien ass and not even taking names, just wholesale ass-whoopage."

First of all, fictitious reader, who, actually increases my audience by 33%, Aliens was the ass-bustingly awesome sequel to Alien. 

So, quick recap: Space-faring salvage crew of the Nostromo comes across a derelict vessel.  Inside they find weird eggs.  One of the crew members gets face-raped by a vagina with legs. 

Remember this image next time you have sex.

A while later, a penis-monster busts through the pregnant guy's chest (incidentally, the black crew member doesn't die first, a landmark in cinema history).  Said penis-monster grows into an alien, who while vicious has a dong-shaped head.  Then the wiener-head goes on a rampage that ends with 1979 Sigouney Weaver fucking its life up by shooting it into space.  So, there ya' go.  You're all up to speed now. 

Now, I know you think I made up all of that imagery with the dicks and such.  I'm just working with what they gave me.  According to Dan O'Bannon, screenwriter of Alien and alleged hater of nookie, he wrote his rape script after Dark Star tanked and went tits-up.  Cracked already did an article on the imagery. 

Still with me?  Good.  We're not out of the rape-woods yet. 

Remember back in November when that little election thing happened?



"...Then I'll poke you in the eye."
"Mr. President, Your response?"
"I will pimp-slap you, Mr. Romney."

Remember when they were talking about "personhood" and "reproductive rights"?  Remember when Richard Mourdock, Todd Akin and other fool said that women need to take a pregancy to term?  Even in cases of rape? 


Oh...my...God...

Do you see where this is going?  Teabaggers are secretly, Alien sympathizers.  The Alien Queen must've used her telepathic abilities on the Right to soften America up for the Alien invasion.  This revelation is earth-shattering.  Please spread this warning to all your friends and loved ones. 

As with all my posts, let me know what you think in the comments below, love it or hate it.  Also, tell your friends about my blog too.

Using Stuff I Learned in College (Heaven is on Mars)

Whew!  So I know it's been a good country minute since I've been on here.  I also know you Fanz of the Lulziez are chomping at the bit for a new blog post from me.  I aim to misbehave please.  Due to a few things like work, meetings, and a myriad of other things I've been unable to post, but I've back and let's kick this off!

Yeah, I put off a blog post to finish this game.  Spoiler: Not worth it

So, without further ado: Heaven is on Mars. 

We're going to use some logic statements to help prove my hypothesis.  You know, the whole "If A and B then C" thing.  We'll take each of them one at a time and then summarize them at the end.  It's almost like I'm a real debater.  One might say...a Master Debater.

First, though, some information I need to let you guys know about.  Starkids is a theatre group from the University of Michigan.  They have done such live-action plays as A Very Potter Musical, A Very Potter Sequel and Me & My Dick.  So, ya' know, a classy bunch.  Here's their website.  They're awesome and I suggest you visit their youtube channel and watch their plays. 


A random blog is pimping our stuff!  Tallyhawk...I mean Rumbleroar!

 So, enough free advertising.  In one of their plays, Draco Malfoy (played by Lauren Lopez) mocks Harry by saying that he's going to transfer to Pigfarts, a better Wizarding Institute than Hogwarts that's on Mars. 



Lauren Lopez as Draco Malfoy

 Draco then goes on to talk about the professors at Pigfarts.  There's Professor McGonagill (a fish) and Headmaster Rumbleroar ("He's a lion...who can talk").

This was Rumbleroar's 2nd grade photo.

So the givens: Pigfarts is on Mars and Headmaster Rumbleroar is a lion...who can talk.

Next, Narnia is ruled  by Aslan.  Aslan, for those people who haven't seen the films or the millions of parodies out there (all 8 of you), is a lion...who can talk.

So, If Rumbleroar is a talking lion and Aslan is a talking lion then Aslan is Rumbleroar. 

Also, If Narnia is Heaven and it's ruled by Rumbleroar then Narnia is on Mars.

And, If Narnia is on Mars and Pigfarts is on Mars then we all get to be wizards in Heaven.

So, in summary, Heaven is on Mars.  But I'm not quite done yet.

Corollary: You can get to Heaven by climbing inside of a closet. 

Second Corollary: If Heaven is on Mars and Rumbleroar rules Heaven then Rumbleroar is God.


"Gaze upon my adorableness."

As always, if you liked this, let me know and tell your friends.  If you didn't like it, let me know (constructive criticism please) and tell your friends who might like this.

Fantasy Fight Club and a (Potential) Contest

     So, a few days ago my MP3 player died at work. 


More true than I'd like to admit


     Okay, so that's important enough to warrant a blog post.  What does is the outgrowth of what I did to stave off the eventual meltdown.  I started talking to myself in the voice of the Deadliest Warrior narrator and pairing up characters from video games, war games, comic books, novels and the like.  The first such match-up was Sephiroth vs. Coleman Stryker. 

     I didn't delve into the match-ups at all, but I did formulate an idea that might generate some interest.  So here it goes: Chosen by you guys (the audience), two combatants will face off in cyberspace (my blog).  I will do my best to remain objective and I will promise to do research to compare the two fighters to the best of my ability.  Also, if there are multiple incarnations of the character, I will need to know which one you are referring to (there are a bazillion versions of Dracula for instance). 

     Now, to the contest part.  If there is enough interest and traffic and comments below, I will draw a picture of the winner beating the loser or something.  Now I'm not an artist, but I like drawing.  Then, through some means I have yet to devise, I will choose a winner and mail you a print of the picture I draw. 



Likely method of choosing a winner

      Sound good?  Then get into that comment box and give me some ideas/feedback/thoughts.  Also, if you're interested, let your friends know about this Fantasy Fight Club.  As always, let me know what you think in the comments below.

The Ballad of Forklift Katie

     For those of you who don't know (or care), I work in a mail processing warehouse.  It is a horrid job, but leaves you mentally unengaged, which to people with a blog in need of a post, can be an unexpected benefit.  For people who have never worked in an unskilled labor job (assholes), there are a lot of chances to die by smooshing (think Giles Corey).  Usually this is courtesy of mission handling equipment drivers.  Rarely is it intentional.  Deaf Steve, Sherman, Navy Rhim and Snazzy Hat Guy are all drivers who adhere to the safety precautions set forth by OSHA and the plant manager.  There is one legendary forklift driver who won't even trouble herself with the petty safety restrictions of mortals: Forklift Katie.


"Better luck next time, cockbag."

      Allow me to introduce Forklift Katie in the following way: she is clinically deranged.  She exists in a whole different dimension of batshit lunacy than ours.  On occassion, this dimension will overlay ours and create disturbing and baffling interactions. 

This is the craziest picture I own, and it is still saner than Forklift Katie

     That said, Forklift Katie performs a serious role for the United States Post Office.  She is the post office's homely grim reaper. 

     She zooms around the warehouse on her cthonic forklift which, unlike other forklifts in the warehouse are powered by electricity, is powered by some eldritch sorcery.  The backup alarm is the tortured screams of a thousand rapists and child molestors who are begging for the sweet alternative of hell which seems like paradise to them after serving Forklift Katie.  The warning light is the soul af a kitten being lit on fire.  The tines were built out of the femurs of liars and the tires are covered in the skin of adulterers.  The lugnuts are the testicles of those guys on To Catch A Predator and people who cheer for the New England Patriots.  The levers are the spines of hookers and the pedals are the shells of pet turtles.  The only positive trait is that the engine, which sounds like a million unbaptized babies being doused in tabasco sauce, alerts you that it is approaching with its demonic pilot, who is probably carrying a crate of mail going to Fort Wayne. 

Pictured above: The only frame of reference available

    Her impatience is the stuff of legends, but not the good kind like Michael Jordan and Godzilla, more like New Coke and Atari 5600.  Whatever you do, do not, I repeat, DO NOT allow her to engage you in conversation!  It's not that her voice sounds like a mastodon raping pikachu, it is that her thought process is so alien that she might as well be imprisoned in R'lyeh.  Her reasoning is as bizarre as why daleks have a plunger in their arsenal.

I know the internet has a picture of what I described, but I refuse to type that phrase into Google



Pictured above: Forklift Katie's thought process

     This concludes my Ballad of Forklift Katie.  Let me know what you guys think in the comments below.  If you liked this, share it.  Actually, even if you hated it share it, one of your friends might like it.

Rough Rider

     So, guys, I know I've been silent for a long time.  The fact is, I don't get paid to write this blog so I have to do it when time permits, and it hasn't recently. 
     With that unpleasantness out of the way, I have a huge announcement: The web comic that I have had in the works since I started this blog is going to happen. 
     Quick recap: Teddy Roosevelt holds Death hostage and demands it take him to heaven where he is given power armor and an assault rifle so he can go into hell and re-kill bad guys.  It ends with an epic showdown that I won't spoil, but it segues into a second season.  I have character concepts figured out for most of the characters. 
     Think of it like Marvel Ultimate Team-Ups where Spider-Man was a central main character and every issue he had a new partner.  It's kinda like that, but Teddy Roosevelt will be the constant and each other character will have a story arc and after that a new partner will come in.

Early Praise for Rough Rider

"Are you high?" -Chris Holtz (Brother)

"You're going to fuck up a lot for people." -J.R. (Co-worker)

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" -Spring Cruz (Former Co-worker)

"That sounds interesting." -Customer I told when I was working cash register at Barnes & Noble

"Awesome, but why are down-playing what really happened?" -Teddy Roosevelt (Presumably)

     Let me know what you guys think in the comments below.

Aliens vs. Aliens

     Ok, so this is the third times I've started this post and I have resolved to finish it this time.  Unfortunately, real life has gotten in the way of me finishing this. 

Pictured above: Real Life



     We'll do a side by side comparison since we only have two combatants.  There will probably some conjecture in some areas because some areas aren't covered in their respective canons.

Who: Aliens (from Aliens franchise) vs. Aliens (from Chicken Little)

     The aliens from Aliens are intersteller parasites with a hive mind and an instinctual urge to propagate.  By impregnating hosts with Facehuggers, they merge their DNA with ours and create hybridized aliens phenotypes: Warrior, Runner, PredAlien, etc. 



"What's your sign?  Forget it.  Can I just impregnate you?"

     The aliens from Chicken Little are like your family on a road trip to Mosquito Lake or whatever, but apparently they have mastered interstellar travel, but the production and harvesting of acorns escapes them.  When one of their young aliens is left behind, they commence to being pants-shittingly terrifying until he is returned to them, and then they still want to raze the planet (the only one with acorns on it apparently) after he is returned until the lost alien tells them that he was saved by some Pixar Earthlings. 

He's sickeningly cute.

Physiology:  

     The Aliens' physiology depends on what creature they impregnate, but they are all horrifying.  Acid blood, a mouth inside a mouth, wicked claws, a spear-like tail.  They possess an insect-like low cunning and also have reasoning skills that sometimes are based on trial and error.  At no time are these aliens not scary.

     The fuzzballs have 3 eyes and 3 legs.  Their bodies are composed of fur and apparently nothing else.  They have a mouth and can talk and apparently at least bilingual.  Their mobility seems to pale in comparison the the Aliens' ability to walk climb like Spider-Man.  Oh, yeah, they can spin their eyes in like a circle.  Kinda like a roving mauler, I guess. 

Technology:

     The Aliens have no technology at all.  They are kind of like that creeper drifter you picked up on your way to Ft. Launderdale.  They just go where the guys who picked them up are going. 

     The fuzzball aliens have walkers that look like mech versions of themselves or more accurately, Pixar versions of the walkers from War of the Worlds.  But, unlike the walkers from War of the Worlds, these walkers can turn the tips of the legs into blades and FLY with them. 

     You know what?  This comparison is really over.  The aliens from Chicken Little win.  They have FLYING BUZZSAWS!  By the time the acid eats through the buzzsaws, they have committed genocide of the highest magnitude.  I can only assume they have perfected laser technology too and will call in orbital strikes when they realize that they are mixing it up with those drooly aliens.

"Aaawwww Yeeeah!  Fuck those guys!"

     The aliens from Aliens main ability is to turn your own guys against you by turning them into Warriors.  If the aliens impregnate a fuzzball they get an hybrid that looks like the bad gremlins in Gremlins.  Put on your frogstompers and it's history. 



Still scary I guess.  Hard to be scared of something a brick can take care of though.

Winner:  Aliens from Chicken Little

As always, let me know if you liked or hated this post and let me know if you have any ideas for any other posts you'd like to see.

Monster Round-Up Part 2

     I did a Monster Round-Up a while back where I did a side by side comparison between vampires. werewolves and zombies.  A poster suggested another round-up between ghosts, evil leprechauns and squirrels.  Well, squirrels are evil enough to warrant their own article, so I am going to be subbing in aliens for squirrels.  Here we go with round 2 [ding-ding]

Who: Ghosts
     Ghosts, restless spirits, poltergeists, whatever you want to call them, they are essentially the same thing: transparent people who are tethered to the material world.

"Boo!"

Pros:  Super spooky powers and having a cool reverb on your voice when you talk.  As a ghost you are invincible against mundane attacks like guns, knives, ball bats and artillery fire (which might be the reason WHY you're a ghost in the first place).  You can also walk through walls and pretty much any other solid matter. 

     Also, after you die, you apparently get your choice of what you look like when you come back to haunt our world.  This is consistent with the research I did for this article.  This means that if you die, you can come back as a ghost pirate, or a pirate ghost if you died as a pirate and chose to keep your original form. 

Pictured Above: Research

     You would also get a house to yourself because there are only a few people who want to live in a haunted house.  Most of those people go around in a van and solve other mysteries who are all apparently perpetrated by Farmer Jenkins.  Which means if they come to the house you're haunting, chances are you're Farmer Jenkins in a mask. 

     My research differs here, but you may or may not be able to communicate with the living as a ghost. 

Cons:  Unless you're a poltergeist, you're not going to be able to interact with our world either.  And apparently all poltergeists are illiterate and mute, because they always stack stuff up and never think to pick up a pencil and write on a pad of paper what they want.  And it's not like people don't ask what ghosts want, they do it when they first start being haunted.  So either you're an illiterate mute or only huge cockbags get brought back as poltergeists so they can continue their douchebaggery. 



Most Poltergeists

Final Rating:  Ghost are pretty lame among the spectrum of monsters.  With the exception of poltergeists, they can't even interact with our plane.  This is a pretty terrible life-after-death.  Zombies didn't have it this bad.  *, that's it.

Who:  Evil Leprechauns.  God damn it, Azuleslight, really?  I have to delve into this?  Can we not do this?  Evil leprechauns are like regular leprechauns, except they are sociopaths.  They are rascist boozers who delight in getting in fights with people and yelling death threats at people.  Are these evil leprechauns or the ENTIRE POPULATION OF IRELAND? 

     Leprechauns are fae folk who guard treasure and make/repair shoes. 



You didn't want to sleep tonight anyway

Pros:  You have magic, so that's kinda cool.  What kind of magic, I'm not sure.  The movies are a confusing orgy of inconsistantcies.  The only constant is Warwick Davis, who is awesome, but not awesome enough to salvage the sequels to the first Leprechaun.



"Hey, sorry for making Leprechaun 4, but my rent was due."

     That aside, you can teleport like the Chesire Cat and have an intricate knowledge of shoe repair, kinda like if Criss Angel took a home course in shoe repair.  Oh, one thing I forgot, leprechauns are rich!  Not like, "Hey I picked up an extra shift at Winn-Dixie," more like, "I have a pot of gold.  That's right, a pot of GOLD!"

     According to websites written and managed by leprechaunologists, they also like dancing and will abduct humans and enchant them so them will dance their toes off.  You read that right: dance...their...toes...off.  I know you don't believe me because if I wasn't me, I wouldn't believe me, but here's the article.  So, I guess if you dig on line dancing, this would be right up your alley. 

     Leprechauns can also grant three wishes if ever caught by a human,  So it's more like if the Chesire Cat and Houdini had a drunken love child and then that kid had sex with a genie and then got a trust fund from all three of those guys.  Actually, that's pretty horrifying.

Cons:  Like most fae folk in mythology, leprechauns can be killed by iron.  In fact, touching iron robs them of their power while they are in contact with it.  Other weaknesses are difficult to discern because the mythology is so inconsistant.  In the movies, weaknesses range from a four-leaf clover (appropriate) to cold iron (still appropriate) to a medallion (stupid) and being exploded in space (retarded).  After that I stopped watching the movies.

     Also, if a leprechaun ever parts with his gold, he will go all Joker on everyone until he gets it back.  Imagine that: a friend borrows your pencil and accidentally takes it home with him.  You then proceed to flip the fuck out and set your neighbor's car on fire and murder people on your way to your friend's house.  When you get there, you yell, "Give me back me pencil!"  Then you blow up his house and the houses of his family members until he gives your pencil back.  Not good for friendships.

     Also, they have to dance if they hear music.  Kinda stupid

Final Rating:  Okay, leprechauns are not nearly as lame as ghosts, but if you put on your frogstompers, you could squish one if you just hook up an ipod to speakers.  Or, you could throw one into a dance club and laugh as he tries to dodge the drugged out kids dancing around like a zombie on acid.  Actually that would be funny and I laughed in real life imagining that.  I give the leprechaun *** 1/2*. 



"Either turn off yer ipod or kill me!  I hate Lady Gaga!"

Who: Aliens.  Now we're talkin'!  Aliens are metal as metal.  Shit doesn't get more hardcore than these guys...kinda.  It depends on what aliens we're talking about.  Even if E.T. had brass knuckles that shot fireballs as he punched, I doubt he would be much of a threat.  The alien from The Thing was hardcore and so were the alien warriors in the Alien franchise.  The alien genre is so expansive that we have to narrow it down somehow. 

     And here's how we're going to decide: you (the readers) leave a comment below and the two aliens with the most votes will be analyzed.  Kinda like if Deadliest Warrior did sci-fi villains.  So, in the comments leave no more than three aliens that you want to see throw down in order of your preference.  Also, you can't say Alien Warrior, Alien Queen and Predalien.  Those are all Alien franchise aliens.  So, get to postin' and I look forward to seeing who the winners will be. 

As always, if you like what you see, hate what you see or have an idea for a post, leave it in the comments below.