But enough of that noise. It’s time for the review. As befitting of a film review premiere, we
will look at the Director’s Cut of Highlander.
The
Crunchy Bits:
Movie:
Highlander
Year:
1986
Leads:
Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery, Roxanne Hart & Clancy Brown
Music:
Michael Kamen & motherfuckin’ Queen!
Synopsis:
Christopher Lambert plays Christopher Lambert
who is an Immortal named Connor MacLeod.
This race of Immortals has existed since the dawn of time and has always
lived amongst us. All Immortals play an
eternal game called (sigh) The Game (not Triple H), killing one another until
there is only one left and then they win The Prize.
Thoroughly
confused? Good.
Review:
After an opening monologue by Sean Connery
that was recorded in a bathroom (I am so not kidding), we open on a wrestling
match in Madison Square Garden. We see
Christopher Lambe…ahem…I mean Connor MacLeod watching some 1980s wrestlers that
I don’t know, even though I imdb’ed it.
They are that forgettable. Connor
is looking pissed off for some reason.
Why is he sullen? Why did he pay
around $200 for tickets to a Madison Square Garden wrestling match only to walk
out on the opening match? Why the
pouty-face? How much does an antique
dealer in 1986 make? These are all good
questions and we receive no answers. Get
used to that.
Connor walks out into an open air food market
that looks like a MSG parking garage (also, not kidding) to, presumably find
his car and leave because he has way too much damn money.
From behind him someone appears and
challenges him. Here is a transcription
of my thoughts when I saw him, “Oh-ho-ho-ho-ha-ha-ha! Wow!
Really? This accountant is an
expert fencer?”
By the way, he is not an expert fencer. He is terrible. His opening move is to throw his coat at
Connor while making a quacking sound. Maybe
it’s a French war cry, I don’t know.
This move would only be effective against days old puppies. Or a turtle.
Ducks would just be baffled by it.
Kind of like my sister’s cat when I use my cat soundboard on my
phone. I’m off track…
This Immortal is clearly an idiot and is only
still alive because everybody else feels sorry for him. He flails around in what is the worst sword
fighting scene I have ever, ev-er, EVAR watched, and I watched a porno with a
pirate theme. They had better
choreographed sword fights (with actual swords, not penises). Somehow, he manages to disarm Connor and
knocks his sword under a car. While the
idiot backflips away to hide, even though Connor is unarmed, Connor, being less
of an idiot uses a lead pipe (a recurring motif) to bash the idiot and use the
time to retrieve his sword. Around this
time we see a close up of the idiot’s face and he is clearly scared
shitless. Also, and I forgot to mention
this, this guy has a rapier. That is a
stabby-type sword, not a choppy-type sword.
The only way to kill an Immortal is to chop of their head. This dipshit clearly, CLEARLY, doesn’t
understand sword physics. He fights like
a 9 year old with a plastic lightsaber.
I took a semester of fencing in college, and I can say, without fear of
hyperbole, that I could beat this supposed “Immortal fencer” 8 out of 10
times. 10 out of 10 if I was sober. You would have to be a quadriplegic retard to
lose to him.
So, Connor takes his head and we see our
first Quickening scene, and it’s pretty underwhelming. Stuff explodes, but people are going to be
pissed when they find out their cars were destroyed for some existential game
played by superhumans. At least, I
would. Dicks.
We are treated to our first flashback. We see Connor in Scotland riding to battle. As far as the huge battle, it is pretty
standard fare. Also, the flashbacks are
unobtrusive. In this we see a dark
knight named the Kurgan “kill” Connor.
Scene shift back to 1986. Connor speeds away only to be arrested by
cops right outside the parking garage.
Connor is probably glad he hid his katana in an overhead grate before
trying to run.
In the interrogation room, Connor denies
everything, and then the asshole cop denies every sensible reaction that comes
to mind. I will just type what he says,
“You a faggot, Nash?”
Oh, yeah, Connor is using the pseudonym
Russell Edwin Nash.
But back to the scene, seriously. That is totally uncalled for! You can’t just start questioning someone’s
sexuality. You don’t just make that
supposition. Connor replies with an even
headed, “You’re sick,” and then the asshole cop punches Connor.
After that unpleasentness, we are treated to
a Queen micro-video.
Then we are introduced to The Kurgan, or
Victor Kreuger. We also get a Pulp
Fiction-style training sequence. In all
reality, it is not a bad scene. We get a
look at Kurgan’s high-tech (for 1986) broadsword. It’s actually pretty cool looking.
Connor goes back to the parking garage to
fetch his katana. He sees Brenda in the
same parking garage. She is using a
metal detector to find a sliver of a sword in a pillar. Ok, that doesn’t work, for at least two
reasons.
1: Connor’s sword is a folded Masamune
katana. If Connor’s katana is as strong
as Ramirez said it was, how would a piece of it break off in a concrete pillar?
2: A metal detector would not find a sliver
of a historic, one-of-a-kind sword in a parking concrete pillar. Why?
There’s a bunch or metal in the pillar.
Rebar, iron, steel or whatever, I’m not in construction, would set off
the metal detector.
But, somehow Brenda finds a piece of Connor’s
sword. Connor tries to sneak away but
kicks a soda can and alerts Brenda to the fact that he was there.
Next, Brenda goes to a bar to drink away her
frustrations. She gets a tall glass of
beer, gin, something and drinks most of it.
Connor comes in, in a weird creeper way.
He orders a drink on the rocks.
My version doesn’t have subtitles, so I don’t know what it is, but
according to imdb.com, it is supposed to be drunk at room temperature. At this time we also get a song from Freddie
Mercury singing a sad song about something, again, no subtitles. I suspect that this is Queen’s attempt at
country music.
Brenda and Connor have a heated conversation
at just above a whisper and Conner leaves.
Brenda goes all creeper on Connor for a change. Connor channels his inner mugger and when
Brenda walks by an alleyway and he pulls her in. We get a 3 second scene before Kurgan attacks
Connor. Nice pacing, bro.
Now we get our second big sword fight scene.
By this time, Connor has his sweet-ass sword
back, but for some reason, HE DOESN’T USE IT!
Why? You have a 7 foot tall
berserker swinging a broadsword at you, LITERALLY TRYING TO CUT OFF YOUR
HEAD! Defend yourself! Seriously!
This is not that foppish idiot from the parking garage. Brenda throws Connor a lead pipe, proving
that she wants him to live more than he does.
Somehow, Connor manages to disarm Kurgan and tunes him up with the pipe
until Kurgan realizes that he is being beaten up by an idiot. Kurgan takes the pipe from Connor and beats
him: Medium Style. The only thing that
saves Connor is a police helicopter. He
leaves with a parting shot, “Another time, Highlander,” and beats feet.
We get a second flashback to the events right
after the events of the battle and Connor’s “death”. Everyone is super freaked that Connor “died”
but lived. Now I’m not a history major,
but I do know some history. Now, as I
recall, most of the Scottish folk were like, super Catholic. So, this flashback scene kinda baffles
me. I don’t think the folk in Clan
MacLeod would jump straight to devilry.
I would think that they would think it was more of a miracle than
demonic. His wife is the one who is
antagonizing everyone too. That’s a bit
bizarre to me too, considering how devoted Connor is as a husband. He gets kicked out of his clan and wanders
for an unspecified amount of time.
We now get to see where Connor lives. He lives above an antique shop. This admittedly makes sense for an
Immortal.
We don’t get to spend much time here because
we have another flashback to get to.
Five years later Connor finds a tower, a wife and a relatively normal
life. Connor and Heather go on a picnic
and about to get to bangin’, when who should show up but Sean Connery dressed
in drag doing his best Spanish accent (read: none). This colorful
Egyptian-Spanish-Japanese-Scottish cockblocker is named Ramirez. Seriously, Ramirez makes it his mission to
break up Connor and Heather. After a
bit, Connor gets struck by lightning…for no discernible reason.
We shift back to 1986. Brenda goes into the police officer’s and
looks at the confidential forensics file and finds…Russell Nash’s
mugshots. Remember: Russell Nash is
Connor MacLeod.
We get to watch a scene of Connor sharpening
his sword which is what I can only assume is what Immortals do instead of
masturbate since they can’t have kids.
In the fourth flashback which is essentially
a training montage and also the longest flashback, we see Ramirez and Connor
fight like an old married couple. That
is until Ramirez rocks the boat they’re in until Connor falls in the
lake…err…loch…whatever. Connor finds out
he can’t drown, so the opposite of Bruce Willis in Unbreakable. Connor asks
Ramirez where Immortals come from and Ramirez gives Connor a big, long-winded,
existential speech but at the same time doesn’t say anything. Some mentor.
Ramirez does, however, teach Connor sword-fighting and does impart him
with some advice, while the camera crew imparts us with sweeping landscape
shots which are scenic.
In the next shot, Ramirez, Connor and Heather
are at some open air market/fair/festival; it’s not clearly explained. What is clearly explained, by Ramirez, is
that while Ramirez and Connor are Immortal, Heather isn’t. Ramirez even offers Connor his one-of-a-kind
Masamune katana if he leaves Heather, to spare Connor the pain. Connor hands the sword back to Ramirez and
tells him to, essentially, fuck off.
Later that night, while Connor is…away,
Heather and Ramirez share some wine while Ramirez regales Heather with his
stories. Ramirez feels the Buzz (their
term, not mine) and tells Heather to hide.
Then Kurgan busts through the door and is so infuriated that he
immediately attacks the furniture. In
one strike he cleaves the table in two.
Ramirez draws his katana and is determined to avenge the fallen dinner
table. Ramirez cuts Kurgan’s neck and we
see where he got his nifty neck scar.
Oh, yeah, Heather screams a bunch.
There is a very hokey battle that is still, nonetheless, entertaining
and in the end, Ramirez loses his head…literally.
Now we’re back in “modern” times. Rachel, Connor’s confidante and
receptionist(?) talks to him about what is going on later that night. Evidently, Connor made a date with Brenda. I’m just as confused as you are.
Don’t worry, we have another flashback. This one is during World War II and shows how
Connor rescues Rachel during a German raid on an English or French town. It’s a short scene, but it’s important
because Connor kills a Nazi. It’s pretty
satisfying.
So, Connor goes to Rachel’s apartment, and
she seems awfully paranoid. She hides a
.38 snub-nose and a tape recorder in the main room of her apartment. Keep in mind; this is 20 years before Antoine
Dodson. Something happens and there’s a
disagreements between Connor and Brenda.
Again it’s just above a whisper and my copy doesn’t have subtitles. At any rate, Connor leaves.
We see a passing of seasons with Connor and
Heather while Queen plays “Who Wants to Live Forever.” In this flashback we see Heather getting
older as Connor stays the same age until Heather ultimately dies. It is a genuinely moving scene and it is
accentuated by Queen’s music. When you
see Beatie Edney come up the hill with grey hair instead of red, your mind is
like, “Oh shit. I know where this is
going.” But you are still not
prepared. It is so sad and Queen’s music
swells just as it gets to the saddest part.
Connor stays with Heather right up until her last breath. Connor marks her grave with the Clan MacLeod
sword and takes Ramirez’ katana and wanders the world.
Back in 1986, Connor meets with Kastagir on a
bridge. They have a night on the town,
but the scene was actually cut, for time I assume, although, since we will sit
through a 3 hour Peter Jackson movie it could be reinserted. Kastagir jokes about the last time Connor had
a wild night out and we hop in the Way-Back Machine to 1783 and it is a very
funny scene of Connor dueling a pompous, yet honorable ass named Bassett. Connor, absolutely shit-faced drunk gets
repeatedly stabbed by our rather foppish antagonist. And, in true comedic fashion, he repeatedly
gets back up. It ends when Bassett’s
minion begs Bassett to shoot Connor as he staggers away. Bassett says no and wrestles the gun away
from his crony and shoots the crony in the ass as he tries to run away
(effeminately).
Kurgan leaves his flophouse and go out into
the night to find Kasagir. We happen
upon a gun-nut in a Pontiac. This guy
looks like everything the Reagan Era loved.
Remember, Operations Desert Storm & Desert Shield were still 5 years
away. So we had to do something to
release all that pent-up aggression, so…vigilantism…because that’s a
responsible course of action. Yay! But, in this scene we have Kastagir and
Kurgan fighting and Kurgan decapitates Kastagir. The gun-nut blows his load at finally being
able to do something and unloads a clip into Kurgan. Kurgan doesn’t take a liking to our 80s era
vigilante and skewers the gun-nut and tosses him aside as the rest of the pimps
and hookers witness the Quickening.
Kurgan then takes off in a stolen car with a little old lady in the
passenger seat.
The cops question the gun-nut in the hospital
and he tells them the “Headhunter Killer” that he saw is not Connor. He also tells them about the Quickening he
witnessed. I’m impressed that Kurgan
obliged the gun-nut to miss all of his vital organs and even though he stabbed
his straight through, he missed the gun-nut’s spine. Kurgan may not look like it, but he’s very
courteous.
Brenda does some investigative work and finds
Russell Edwin Nash’s birth certificate.
She talks to a doctor (in an egregious breach of doctor-patient
confidentiality) and a hand writing analyst and finds out that Nash is Connor
and that he’s been around for a couple hundred.
At the same time (presumably) Connor is in a
church lighting a candle for Heather on her birthday as he promised her on her
deathbed. Kurgan comes in, extinguishes
the prayer candles and antagonizes Connor to the point where he almost breaks
the Holy Ground rule.
Brenda arrives at Connor’s antique shop and
after finding out that she knows something, Connor tells her everything. Brenda witnesses his immortality first-hand
and then over a string version of “Who Wants to Live Forever,” Connor and
Brenda bone each other. Classy, 1986,
classy. I knew about a “petite morte”
but not the “big fuckin’ morte.” Well,
played.
Kurgan kidnaps Brenda the next day and uses
her as leverage to force Connor to fight him.
In the next scene, Clancy Brown is having so much fun being the bad guy
that Brenda faints, from what can only be too many simultaneous heart
attacks. But at least Kurgan left a tape
for Connor. Like I said he’s
courteous.
Connor goes to save Brenda but is ambushed by
Kurgan. They fight on top of the
Silvercup Studios catwalk until they knock over a water tower and are fighting
in waist deep water on the roof. Kurgan
decides he’s had enough shit and cuts the wires holding the sign up and it
falls over dangling Brenda over the edge.
Fortunately, she climbs up right in time to be in the way. Connor and Kurgan both tumble through a
skylight and fall what looks to be at least 50 feet with no ill effects while
Brenda opts to use her brain and the door on the ground level. Connor and Kurgan continue their duel on an
empty sound stage. Kurgan disarms Connor
and is ready to win when Brenda dents his brainpan with a metal pipe. Kurgan knocks the recurring motif away from
Brenda and he is ready to split her groin to gullet when Connor blocks the
blade and smirks, “What took you so long?”
Now we get to see that Connor is in fact an
adept swordsman. Fun Fact: the sparks
from the swords clashing were from a car battery with the positive side and the
negative side hooked up to opposite swords.
Anyway, Connor takes Kurgan’s head and
ostensibly wins the Prize. Connor has
the Final Quickening saying, “I know everything! I AM EVERYTHING!”
Connor now knows the thoughts of everyone on
Earth and can now have children and grow old.
Connor presumably marries Brenda and they live out their lives in
Scotland.
Final
thoughts: If you can get past some of the hokey-ness of the 80s setting then
it’s good. I enjoyed it and it is
definitely worth a watch, even if it’s on Netflix or a Red Box rental.
Best:
Scriptwriting. Yes, the songs are
awesome but what stands out to me is the writing. There are genuinely funny and sad
moments. There have been a lot of movies
I watch where there’s a sad scene and I am unmoved by it or a funny scene falls
flat. When I first saw Heather come up
the hill with that grey hair, I knew what was coming and I was still sad.
Worst: Sequels.
With the exception of Highlander:
The Series and Highlander: Endgame,
The other sequels should be ignored.
True, Endgame has some
major…MAJOR flaws, but overall it is decent.
And besides, that’s a review for another time.
Let
me know what you think in the comments.